Dating guide
Relationship deal breakers: the list, and how to know yours
Relationship deal breakers are the few things you can't compromise on without betraying yourself: whether you want kids, what role honesty plays, whether you drink or smoke, how you treat money, the kind of intimacy you need. They're not a wish list. They're the short list of doors that are either open or closed.
Below you'll find a relationship deal breakers list grouped by area, a simple test to tell a deal breaker from a preference, a way to bring them up without turning a date into an interview, and 24 questions that surface them early. Use it to write your own list — ideally no longer than three to five items.
What counts as a deal breaker (and what doesn't)
A deal breaker is a condition that, if it isn't met, ends the relationship no matter how good everything else is. The key words are no matter. If great chemistry could talk you out of it, it's a preference. That's fine: preferences are part of who you are. They just shouldn't close doors on their own.
It helps to think in three tiers:
- Deal breakers: non-negotiable. A clash here means one of you ends up unhappy or resentful — for example, one wants children and the other is sure they don't.
- Strong preferences: they matter and they'd shape daily life, but the right person could win you over. You'd rather date a non-smoker, yet a cigar at a wedding isn't the end of the world.
- Things you can live with: differences you notice and accept. Early riser and night owl. Messy desk and spotless desk. They create friction, rarely fractures.
Why most people's lists are too long
After a painful breakup, the list tends to grow. Every bad experience becomes a new rule. But a list of twenty deal breakers is usually a list of fears, and it filters out good people for the wrong reasons. The goal isn't to exclude almost everyone. It's to protect the handful of things that would quietly erode a relationship over the years.
How to find your real deal breakers in four steps
- 01
Write everything down
List every “I could never date someone who…” that comes to mind. Don't edit yet. Include the petty ones too; they often point at something deeper.
- 02
Apply the ten-year test
For each item, ask: if this person were wonderful in every other way, would this still end things ten years from now? If the honest answer is “probably not”, move it to preferences.
- 03
Find the value underneath
“No smokers” might really mean “I want someone who takes care of their health”. “Must love travel” might mean “I need curiosity”. The value is the real deal breaker; the habit is one way it shows up.
- 04
Keep three to five
Rank what's left. The top three to five are your non-negotiables. Everything else becomes a conversation, not a filter. You'll be surprised how many more people suddenly fit.
Kids and family deal breakers
This is the classic one because there's no halfway point: you can't have half a child. It's also where people are least honest early on, hoping the other person will change their mind. They rarely do. Go deeper in our guide to kids and family compatibility.
- Wanting children vs being sure you don't
- Timing: kids in two years vs maybe in ten
- How many, and whether adoption or fostering is on the table
- Dating someone who already has children, and how involved you'd be
- The weight of extended family: Sunday lunches, caring for aging parents, living close to them
- Parenting style: strict or relaxed, religious upbringing or not
Values and beliefs deal breakers
Values are the operating system; everything else runs on top of them. You can love someone with different opinions, but it gets hard when you disagree about what's right. More on this in shared values compatibility.
- Religion or spirituality, and whether it has to be shared
- Political views when they touch how people should be treated
- Honesty: white lies as social glue vs zero tolerance
- Fidelity, and what counts as crossing a line
- Career as identity vs work as a means to live
- How someone treats people who can do nothing for them
Habits and vices deal breakers
Daily habits seem small until you share a home with them. Drinking and smoking are the most common deal breakers in this group (see drinking and smoking compatibility), but sleep schedules and tidiness quietly end more couples than people admit. More in daily habits.
- Smoking or vaping
- Drinking: never, socially, or most nights
- Recreational drugs
- Tidiness and hygiene standards
- Sleep: early bird vs night owl
- Screens: gaming marathons, phones at the table
Money deal breakers
Money deal breakers are rarely about how much someone earns. They're about what money means: security, freedom, status or generosity. When that meaning differs, couples end up arguing about everything else. Explore financial compatibility.
- Saver vs spender
- Debt, and being open about it
- Splitting bills: fifty-fifty, proportional, or one person pays
- Big goals: buying a home, retiring early, living lightly
- Financial dependence on family or on a partner
- Lending money to friends, giving to causes
Lifestyle deal breakers
Lifestyle deal breakers are about what an ordinary week looks like. Neither version is better. They just don't overlap, and one of you ends up permanently adapting.
- Homebody vs always out
- Pets: must-have, allergic, or not in my home
- Where you want to live: big city, small town, another country
- Travel as a priority vs a rare treat
- Fitness as a core part of life vs something occasional
- How much alone time and personal space you need
Intimacy deal breakers
Intimacy is where people stay the most polite and the most silent, which is exactly why mismatches last so long. You don't need to share details with someone you just met. You need to know what matters to you and be willing to say it at the right moment. Our guide on talking about desires can help.
- Exclusivity: monogamy vs an open arrangement
- How central desire is to you, and how often you need to feel wanted
- Affection style: touch, words, public affection
- Willingness to talk about desires and limits at all
- Pace: taking it slow vs following the moment
- Respect for a no — non-negotiable for everyone
How to talk about deal breakers without making it an interview
- 01
Lead with yourself
Share instead of interrogating. “I really want a family someday” lands softer than “Do you want kids?” and invites an honest answer rather than the expected one.
- 02
Time it by weight
Big-life topics like kids or where to live belong in the first dates, lightly. Money details and intimacy can wait for some trust. Sitting on a true deal breaker for months only makes the goodbye harder.
- 03
Be curious, not a judge
If the answer isn't what you hoped, ask why. “Not now” and “never” are very different answers, and the reason often matters more than the verdict.
- 04
Say it once, clearly
You don't have to defend a deal breaker or repeat it. “That's really important to me, and I don't see it changing” is enough. Kind and clear beats vague and hopeful.
- 05
Let a mismatch be information
Discovering you don't fit isn't a failure. It saves you both months. Not matching is also knowing something, and it leaves room for someone who does.
24 questions that reveal deal breakers early
Use them as conversation, not as a checklist. Two or three per date is plenty, and answering them yourself first makes them feel like an exchange.
- Do you see children in your future, or is that not for you?
- What does a perfect ordinary Tuesday look like for you?
- How do you usually spend a free weekend?
- What's something you'd never compromise on, even for someone you love?
- How important is religion or spirituality in your life?
- What role does your family play in a normal week?
- Are you a saver, a spender, or somewhere in between?
- What's a big goal you're working toward right now?
- Is drinking part of your social life, or not really?
- Do you smoke or vape?
- Where do you imagine living in five years?
- Do you have pets, or want them someday?
- How do you like to handle the bill on early dates?
- What does honesty look like to you in a relationship?
- How much alone time do you need to feel like yourself?
- How do you handle conflict: talk it out now or cool off first?
- What does commitment mean to you?
- How important is physical affection in your day to day?
- What's a habit of yours that people find hard to live with?
- Are you looking for something serious, casual, or still figuring it out?
- When did a partner make you feel truly respected?
- How do you feel about staying close to exes?
- What do you need to feel wanted in a relationship?
- What would you want a partner to know before things get serious?
Can deal breakers change over time?
Yes, and it's healthy to check in with your list. At 25, “must want to travel the world” might be non-negotiable; at 35 it could be “must be kind to my parents”. A move, a loss, a child from a previous relationship: life rewrites priorities.
What matters is why a deal breaker changes. If you drop one because you finally understand yourself better, great. If you drop it because you're afraid of being alone, or because someone is pushing you, it tends to come back at the worst possible moment. Revisit your list once a year or after any big change, and ask one question: is this still mine?
How Naughty Singles uses deal breakers as gates
Most dating apps show you a face first and leave the deal breakers for date three. Naughty Singles flips the order. You play cards with first-person statements and answer ME TOO, DON'T CARE or NOT ME, and every now and then you can mark an answer as a deal breaker or as something you can live with.
Those marks work as a gate, not as a small deduction. If you marked something as non-negotiable and someone is far from you on it, that person simply doesn't appear in your top, and their deal breakers filter their top the same way. No awkward date to find out, and nobody collecting rejections. Everything else feeds your Match DNA, an affinity profile across 40 categories: family, values, money and habits, plus flirting, desire and more intimate intensity levels only if you opt in. And when daily life lines up but the most intimate level doesn't, the total drops: the worst level weighs.
When someone reaches your top, you see a compatibility percentage and why you'd connect, with faces blurred until there's real interest. It doesn't replace talking; it makes sure the first conversation starts on common ground. The app launches in English, Spanish and Portuguese at the same time, first on Android (iPhone comes later), and you can pre-register for early access.
Frequently asked questions
What are the most common deal breakers in a relationship?
The most common relationship deal breakers are disagreeing on having children, clashing values or religion, dishonesty, smoking, heavy drinking or drug use, opposite money habits, incompatible lifestyles and different expectations about exclusivity or intimacy. On top of those personal ones, some behaviors are universal red lines: lying, controlling behavior, contempt and not respecting a no. Those don't need to be on your list; they disqualify on their own.
How many deal breakers should you have?
Three to five is a healthy number. Fewer, and you may be ignoring what you truly need; many more, and you're probably turning preferences and past hurts into rules that filter out good people. A useful test: would this still end a relationship with someone wonderful in every other way? If not, it's a preference you can talk about, not a deal breaker.
When should you bring up deal breakers when dating?
Big-life topics like kids, where you want to live or exclusivity belong in the first two or three dates, raised lightly and by sharing your own view first. More personal subjects, like money details or intimacy, can wait until there's some trust. The worst option is waiting months on something you know is non-negotiable, hoping it will sort itself out.
Is it shallow to have deal breakers?
Not at all, as long as they're about things that shape a shared life: values, children, honesty, habits, how you treat each other. Deal breakers become shallow when they're about surface details that don't predict whether two people will be happy together. Knowing your non-negotiables is a form of respect, both for yourself and for the people you date.
What's the difference between a deal breaker and a red flag?
A deal breaker is personal: it's something that doesn't fit your life, even if the other person is doing nothing wrong, like not wanting kids. A red flag is about behavior that signals harm or disrespect, like lying, pressuring you, love bombing or ignoring your boundaries. A deal breaker means you're not a match; a red flag means you should be careful.
Can a relationship work if you disagree on having kids?
It's one of the hardest deal breakers to bridge because there's no middle ground. Sometimes one person was genuinely undecided and finds clarity, and that can work. But if one of you is sure and the other gives in to keep the relationship, resentment usually follows. It's kinder to talk about it early and honestly, before feelings make it harder.
